Do you find that you and your partner seem to have arguments about the same 3 or 4 things? Even if it seems on the surface that things are completely different, does it eventually boil down to the same problem over and over again?
Maybe a discussion about what to do on the weekend or where to go for a vacation eventually turns into arguing about money. Or times of stress like the holidays prompt the same fights about family and how to allocate your time.
Many couples I see in therapy seem to be barely keeping up with all of the conflicts in their relationship. They seem to be constantly putting out fires, and the moment they’ve extinguished one, two more pop up. This wear and tear on the relationship can lead to both partners feeling exhausted and wondering what they’re still doing together.
As a couples therapist I’m a big advocate for the adage that ‘prevention is better than cure’. If we can get ahead of the game, and mitigate any damage that’s coming to the relationship, it will put you and your partner back in the driver's seat, feeling like you’re in control of your future and fate, rather than drowning under the continuous waves of conflict buffeting the relationship.
What’s the secret ingredient you ask? It turns out, it’s nothing more than a little pepper.
Four Steps to Success
Ok, so I don’t mean actual pepper that you would find in your kitchen cupboard. Instead, I’m talking about a framework developed by couples therapist Dr. Stan Tatkin, creator of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, or PACT. PePPeR stands for:
Predict
Plan
Prepare
Revise / Repair
Employing these four steps can help you to dramatically reduce the impact of any upcoming events that you expect will cause tension or arguments in your relationship. Let’s use our fictional couple, Michael and Sarah, to explore how this can be implemented.
Michael and Sarah are a young couple with three kids. Every month Michael plans a fishing trip with his mates. He works long hours at the office, sometimes surpassing 60 hours a week, and this fishing trip is his one chance to get away from the stressors of life and relax.
When they first started dating, Sarah was happy for Michael to get away for the weekend. It often meant a chance to catch up with her girlfriends, and soon enough she was planning little outings or getaways with them whenever Michael would be away.
However, things changed once the kids came along. Now mother to three little ones, Sarah can’t just drop the kids and go out with her girlfriends. She gets annoyed that being a parent doesn’t seem to stop Michael from continuing his fishing trips. At the same time, Michael feels that life has only become more stressful now that he has a family to support, and so the idea of stopping the trips is simply not on the table.
Let’s see how the PePPeR framework could help Michael and Sarah.
Step One: Predict
Our first step in the PePPeR framework is to predict what’s going to happen. If you’ve been in this situation before, or one like it, you should be able to create an outline of what usually happens. Sometimes it can be challenging to be honest about this, especially if you feel that your partner is to blame. But if you want to get the most out of this step, you’ll both need to own up to how you contribute to the problem, even if that means acknowledging what you could be doing but aren’t doing.
As I’m sure you can imagine, each month as this fishing trip approaches, both Michael and Sarah feel tense and anxious around each other, knowing that a storm is brewing, and a fight is just on the horizon. Without fail, a few days before the trip, Sarah will begin to get frustrated with Michael, asking him to do some things around the house before he goes away. Meanwhile, Michael becomes more distant, staying back at the office to “finish up work” so it’s taken care of before his trip, while seeming cold and uninterested in Sarah when he’s home.
So when Michael and Sarah sit down to predict what’s going to happen, they can discuss and make note of the feelings and behaviors that arise closer to the trip. For example, Sarah might predict that she’ll usually get upset and angry at Michael in the days leading up to his departure. Michael meanwhile can recognize that he will usually pull away and direct less of his focus and attention towards Sarah, hoping to avoid her wrath (and the ten extra things around the house he needs to get done).
Ideally, we want to get to the core feelings here. Sarah might recognize that she actually feels lonely a lot of the time and really misses Michael because they barely get to spend time together thanks to their busy lives. She might also feel jealous that he devotes so much attention to his fishing buddies while she barely gets any. Michael could voice the guilt he feels in leaving Sarah for a weekend alone with the kids while he’s out enjoying himself, and how unappreciated he feels for all of the hard work he does to provide for the family.
Once we’ve made some accurate predictions about what’s going to happen, we then need to begin setting steps in place to change things.
Step Two: Plan
Now that we know what’s going to happen, we want to try to put plans into place so that we can have a different outcome. This step is crucial because it’s often too late to pivot into something different once the ball is already rolling and the familiar patterns are underway. If we can develop plans in a calm, neutral state, rather than an upset, angry state, we give ourselves a much better chance of success.
The ultimate question we’re asking in this stage is:
How are we going to make this happen without hurting anybody?
In the lead up to the weekend, both Michael and Sarah could work on connecting more. This might mean going on a date, or spending a night on the couch after the kids have gone to bed, without any distractions from phones or work. Sarah might try to express more appreciation to Michael in the leadup to his trip, letting him know how much she values his hard work and sacrifice for the family. Michael meanwhile could offer to give her a call when he’s away to check in and see how she’s doing. When he returns, he might take care of the kids on Sunday evening so Sarah can have some time to herself after the whole weekend with the kids.
The important part here is to be realistic, and not believe you’ve stumbled upon a foolproof plan that is expected to have a 100% success rate. Instead, it’s all about identifying the deeper needs and feelings that are in the spotlight when this event is taking place, and agreeing to try something different to arrive at a different outcome.
Step Three: Prepare
Now that we’ve put some plans in place, it’s important to prepare for the upcoming event. Plans aren’t worth much unless they actually get implemented. Therefore it’s necessary to put in the required time and effort to make the plans a reality by preparing for the event.
In the case of Michael and Sarah, this might mean scheduling a date into the calendar and arranging a family member or babysitter to mind the kids. It might mean Sarah thinking about what she’d like to do on the Sunday when he returns, like organizing to get dinner with a friend, or signing up for a yoga class.
This might sound like a simple step, but it’s one that so easily gets missed when we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. It’s not often that we don’t know the answer or solution to our problems, it’s that we don’t find the motivation or time to implement change. This is especially true if your wellbeing, your partner's wellbeing, or the relationship itself, is low on the priority list after work, kids, family, bills and everything else that comes along in life.
Preparation is about prioritizing yourself and the relationship, and setting yourself up for success by putting in the necessary steps to make sure that your plans come to fruition.
Step Four: Revise / Repair
Our final step in the PePPeR framework varies depending on the success, or lack thereof, of your plans and preparation.
Assuming everything went well, the Revise step is about reviewing what worked and what didn’t. Even if you avoided an argument, there’s always room for improvement. Sitting down to discuss how things could be better next time is a great way to keep the momentum going on your wins.
For example, if Michael and Sarah managed to go out on a date night and spend some time together before the weekend trip, that’s considered a success. However, if there was still anger and withdrawal happening before the trip, then it means something wasn’t working, or more plans need to be made to ensure both parties are getting their needs met.
Sometimes things don’t go to plan, and someone ends up feeling hurt or disappointed, which is why the alternative here is to Repair.
Maybe in the lead up to the weekend one of the kids was sick, which meant no time alone together. Or Michael might have gotten home late on Sunday, meaning Sarah missed her chance to spend some time with her friend and had no choice but to stay at home with the kids. As one might expect, this led to a big fight when Michael eventually got home.
If things haven’t worked out as planned, it’s not a reason to give up entirely. Instead, it’s actually an opportunity to practice repairing after a fight. If Sarah and Michael are able to come back together to discuss what they were feeling before, during and after the fight, acknowledge their mistakes and apologize, it can help them to better understand each other when they’re on the brink of another argument in future.
Bringing It All Together
The true value of the PePPeR framework is in its simplicity. By predicting what will happen in a tense situation, you’re able to make alternative plans to avoid the negative outcome you’re predicting, put those plans into place through preparation, and then revise or repair after the event to be better next time.
Doing this ahead of time gives you the advantage of being coolheaded. Rather than trying to tackle a problem when you’re stressed, angry, tired or overwhelmed in the midst of a fight, you’re coming together to work with your partner as a team in a calm, collaborative manner to prevent the worst from happening.
If you’re interested in giving the PePPeR framework a go, I suggest sending this article to your partner to read, and then sitting down to tackle a smaller problem together. This will help you to practice while keeping the stakes low, giving you time to familiarize yourself with the process without setting yourself up for disappointment or failure if things don’t work out.
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